A year out of college, I left my girlfriend and the East Coast and moved to San Diego to get a master's in drama at the University of California. I didn't know a soul there and I felt extremely unsure of myself - even the ocean seemed to be on the wrong side of the road.
大学毕业一年后,我便与女友分手,并告别了东海岸,只身来到圣迭戈,攻读加州大学戏剧学硕士。 在圣迭戈,我举目无亲,心里甚为不安---就连身边的大海也恍如隔世,变得十分陌生。
Basically penniless, I found a job as a teaching assistant for "American Drama on Film," a popular course attracting 120 students who liked watching movies for credit. I'd never taught before. The prospect of a classroom filled with curious students terrified me. All I had to guide me was a thin, green handbook for teaching assistants. Full of rules and regulations, it covered everything from roll call to grading, but nowhere did it mention how to convey ideas or make people think.
当时我可谓身无分文,好在谋得了"美国电影戏剧"课的助教工作。这门课程很火爆,一下子吸引了120名学生。他们既可以欣赏电影,又可以拿到学分,两全其美,何乐而不为。 此前,我从未教过书。 一想到满屋子好奇的目光,心里就打鼓。 我手中仅有的救命稻草不过是发给每位助教的授课指南---一本薄薄的绿皮儿小册子, 里面全是各种规章制度,从点名到批卷儿,包罗万象,惟独没讲如何传道授业,如何激发学生进行思考。
The morning of the first class, I pictured my students while I was shaving and cut myself in three places. I was only twenty-four. I felt too young to have the authority of a teacher. But as it turned out, my youth helped me communicate with my students. Jokes and discussions, occasionally even philosophical debates filled my classes. Some students were really interested in the material and class discussion. With these students I developed a kind of friendship. The only aspect of the job that I didn't like was office hours - the time I spent sitting in my tiny office waiting for people to come by for extra help. No one ever did.
第一节课的那个早晨,我一边魂不守舍地想像着学生们的模样,一边刮脸,竟刮伤三处。 我毕竟只有24岁啊! 自己都感觉太年轻了,哪儿有一丝教师的威慑力。 可是后来的事实却证明,恰恰是我的年轻使我和学生们交流得更加融洽。 课堂上充满了幽默的笑话和踊跃的讨论,有时还不乏一些富有哲理的思辨。 有些学生对课程内容及课堂讨论十分感兴趣, 渐渐地我和他们交上了朋友。 这份工作我惟一不喜欢的地方就是答疑时间---我得坐在自己那间窄小的办公室里等着学生前来,寻求额外帮助。 可是却总没有学生来。
Then Lisa started popping by. She was one of the best students in the class and certainly didn't need my academic advice. She came to hang out. We talked about movies, sexy actors, and the San Diego Chargers. She made me feel like an expert on everything. I began to look forward to office hours. When I was with Lisa I felt as if I'd finally adjusted to California. I thought about asking her out.
后来,丽萨开始频频造访。 她是班上的学习尖子,因此她到我这儿当然不是为了学业上的辅导, 而是来闲聊的。 我们海阔天空地聊到电影、性感的影星,还有"圣迭戈冲锋者"橄榄球队。 她使我感觉到自己无所不晓、无所不通。 从此,我开始期待答疑时间, 因为只有和丽萨在一起,我才感到自己似乎已经适应了加州生活。 我开始考虑约她出去。
Lisa began putting her phone number on assignments, and when she came by there was a certain forwardness about her, a kind of "can you-handle-this?" attitude. I tried to act cool and not show how interested I was. One afternoon she showed up in a wet suit and said, "Surf's up. Wanna come?" I told her that I'd love to, but I couldn't surf. After she left I cursed myself for not seizing the opportunity to be with her.
丽萨也开始把自己的电话号码留在作业上。当她再度敲开我办公室的大门时,脸上露出一丝咄咄逼人的神色,好像在问:"你能行吗?" 我尽力表现出矜持,掩饰内心的渴望。 一天下午,她身穿一套紧身潜水衣出现在我面前,说:"海浪上来了,想不想去冲浪?" 我说想去,可我不会冲浪。 她离开后,我咒骂自己竟放走了这样一个与她共处的大好机会。
That evening I started dialing Lisa's number about ten times. Something stopped me from following through, and it wasn't just because I was nervous. I guess I knew there was something wrong with a teacher dating a student. I decided to see if my little green handbook had anything to say about it. The section on romantic relationships listed three reasons why such liaisons should be strictly avoided: (1) A display of interest from the TA puts the student in the difficult position of fearing unfavorable results for showing no response to that interest. (2) It makes the objective evaluation of all students almost impossible. (3) An inevitable loss of respect for the TA occurs.
当天晚上,我给丽萨拨了得有十遍电话, 可后来还是有一种力量使我放下了听筒,不光是因为我紧张, 我想还因为我深知教师约会学生有点儿不大对头。 我决定查一查那本绿皮儿授课指南,看看就这方面有什么规定。 师生恋那一款明确指出这种关系必须要严格禁止,并列出了三条原因:(1)如果助教对某个学生明确表达好感,那么该生就会担心自己若是对这种示爱毫无反应便可能对自己不利,从而陷入两难的境地。 (2)这种关系使助教几乎不可能对所有的学生做出客观公正的评价。 (3)这种关系不可避免地使助教失去学生们的尊敬。
I tried to rule out each reason as inapplicable to me. Lisa was displaying an interest in me, not the other way around. As for objective evaluation, I always numbered papers and tests, covering students' names to make sure I graded without bias. But the third reason was impossible to dismiss. I knew that if I were a student and I found out that my TA and a classmate were involved, no matter how much I had liked him I'd think he was a tiny dude. I'd be sure he had used his position to seduce her and that without question he'd favor her with a better grade or inside information on the exam.
我逐一地排除这些原因,试图找出它们不适合我的地方, 比如,是丽萨对我感兴趣,而并非我主动出击; 对于给学生的客观评价,我在批阅论文或试卷时从来都把上面的姓名盖住,再将其编号,以确保自己所打的分数不偏不倚。 可那第三条原因我却怎么也挥之不去, 设身处地地想想,如果我是个学生,又得知自己的助教与一个同学关系暧昧,那么不管我多么喜欢这位教师,也会认为他是个为人所不齿的花花公子。 我会坚信他利用自己的职权勾引了那个学生,而且毫无疑问,考试时他会偏心地给她打高分或者在考试前向她透露机密。
The idea of my students seeing me as a sleazebag turned my stomach. Their regard for me as a teacher was more important than my desire to go out with Lisa. I decided to wait until the term ended to ask her out.
一想到我的学生们会把我看成一个无耻之徒,我就心神不宁。 学生敬我为师比起渴望和丽萨约会更加重要。 于是,我决定等学期结束时再约她出去。
As soon as I handed in the grades, I called her. We went to a movie. We stayed and watched another and then went out for a drink. Nothing clicked. The desire was gone. Actually, my desire was still there, but hers had disappeared along with my grade book. I was disappointed, sad even, but not surprised. No longer her all-knowing TA, I was now just some older guy who couldn't surf.
我把期末成绩上交给校方后,马上就跑去给丽萨打电话。 我们一起出去看了电影, 而后没有退场,接着又看了一部。再后来就去喝点儿东西, 其间,一切都那么平淡无奇, 爱的欲望已烟消云散。 其实确切地说,我的感情还在,只是她的兴趣全都随着我上交的记分册“上交”了。 我满腹失望甚至哀伤,但并没有感到意外。 毕竟,在她眼里,我已不再是那位学识渊博的助教了,而只是一个年龄稍长又不会冲浪的家伙。
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